written by: Amber robinson, lmft-s, emdr citFor the women who can manage a crisis, run a business, and take care of everyone else, but somehow can't sit on the couch without feeling guilty.
You finally have a free Saturday. No meetings, no deadlines, nowhere you absolutely need to be. You could sleep in, read a book, go for a walk, or spend the entire afternoon doing absolutely nothing.
Sounds lovely, right?
Except you're about 20 minutes into relaxing when your brain starts reminding you about the laundry, the email you forgot to respond to, the workout you should probably squeeze in, and the 37 other things you could be doing with your time.
So you get up. Maybe you clean something. Maybe you check your work email. Maybe you start planning next week.
And just like that, your day off has become another opportunity to be productive.
If this sounds familiar, I want you to consider something: What if your difficulty relaxing isn't actually about your inability to slow down? What if your nervous system has learned that slowing down isn't safe?
Why Is It So Hard to Relax When You're a High-Achieving Woman?
I work with a lot of ambitious women. Entrepreneurs, creatives, business owners, and professionals who have spent years building lives they're genuinely proud of.
They're capable. They're resourceful. They're the people who figure things out.
And many of them are absolutely exhausted.
One of the things I notice in my work as a therapist is that some of the women who are most comfortable managing chaos are also the least comfortable experiencing calm.
They're excellent in a crisis. Give them a problem, and they'll have three possible solutions before you've finished explaining it.
But ask them to spend an afternoon doing nothing?
Suddenly, things get uncomfortable.
For some women, this is a consequence of living in a culture that rewards productivity and makes rest feel like something we have to earn. For others, there's something deeper happening.
Their nervous systems have spent so much time preparing for the next problem that the absence of a problem doesn't necessarily register as safety.
Your Nervous System Doesn't Care How Successful You Are
Here's something I wish more high-achieving women understood: You can have a beautiful home, a successful career, a loving relationship, and financial stability, and still feel anxious.
Your nervous system doesn't look around your life and say, "Well, she's doing pretty well for herself. We can relax now."
Instead, it responds to patterns, experiences, and the signals it has learned to associate with safety or danger.
If you grew up in an environment where you had to anticipate someone's mood, manage other people's emotions, or constantly prove yourself, you may have learned that staying alert was important.
Maybe being the responsible one kept you out of trouble.
Maybe being successful earned you praise or attention.
Maybe you learned that if you could just stay one step ahead, nothing bad would happen.
Those strategies might have helped you navigate your childhood. They might have even contributed to your professional success.
But the very skills that helped you become the woman you are today may also be making it difficult to enjoy the life you've created.
Sometimes, what looks like ambition on the outside is also a nervous system that's afraid to stop moving.
That doesn't mean ambition is unhealthy, or that every successful woman has unresolved trauma. It means that for some of us, our relationship with productivity is more complicated than we realize.
Signs Your Nervous System May Be Stuck in Survival Mode
When people think about anxiety, they often imagine panic attacks, racing thoughts, or someone who appears visibly overwhelmed.
But anxiety doesn't always look like that.
Sometimes it looks like the woman who has everything organized, arrives early, never misses a deadline, and somehow manages to remember everyone's birthday.
Some common experiences include:
Feeling guilty or restless when you're not being productive.
Having difficulty falling asleep because your brain won't stop planning.
Constantly anticipating what could go wrong, even when things are going well.
Feeling responsible for other people's emotions or comfort.
Struggling to delegate because it's easier to do everything yourself.
Experiencing muscle tension, jaw clenching, headaches, or digestive discomfort during stressful periods.
Feeling more comfortable when you're busy than when you're still.
Having trouble enjoying accomplishments because you're already thinking about what's next.
You might even find that vacations are stressful. The first few days are spent mentally reviewing everything you left behind, and by the time you finally start to unwind, it's almost time to go home.
Of course, these experiences aren't always signs of trauma or a dysregulated nervous system. Anxiety, sleep difficulties, medical conditions, current stressors, and other factors can contribute.
But when these patterns are persistent, they're worth getting curious about.
When Being Productive Becomes a Coping Mechanism
Let's talk about the relationship between productivity and emotional avoidance.
Sometimes, staying busy feels good because you're genuinely passionate about what you're doing.
Other times, staying busy helps you avoid what comes up when things get quiet.
Maybe slowing down means noticing how lonely you've been feeling.
Maybe it means acknowledging that your relationship isn't fulfilling you.
Maybe it means confronting how much pressure you've put on yourself to become successful.
Or maybe you don't even know what you're avoiding. You just know that sitting still makes you uncomfortable.
For women who have spent much of their lives being praised for what they accomplish, rest can also bring up questions about identity.
Who am I when I'm not achieving something?
Am I still valuable when I'm not useful to someone?
What happens if I stop being the person who holds everything together?
These aren't questions that can necessarily be resolved with a bubble bath, a yoga class, or another self-care routine.
Sometimes, they require us to examine the beliefs we've carried about ourselves for years.
Why Knowing You Need to Relax Doesn't Actually Help You Relax
This is where things get particularly frustrating for self-aware women.
You know you need to slow down.
You've read the books. You've listened to the podcasts. You understand that chronic stress isn't good for your health.
You might even know exactly where your patterns came from.
And yet, when you finally have an opportunity to rest, your body still feels tense and your mind still races.
Why?
Because intellectual understanding and emotional change aren't always the same thing.
You can recognize that your worth isn't determined by your productivity while still feeling deeply uncomfortable when you're not accomplishing something.
You can know that you're safe in your current relationship while still feeling anxious when your partner seems distant.
You can understand that you don't have to be perfect while still experiencing intense shame when you make a mistake.
Insight is valuable. It's often an important part of therapy.
But sometimes, understanding a pattern doesn't automatically change the emotional and physiological responses associated with it.
That's one reason trauma-informed therapies can be helpful.
How EMDR and Brainspotting Can Help When You Can't Relax
At A Road Through Therapy Group, I work with women who are often incredibly insightful about their own experiences.
They can tell me what their patterns are, where they might have started, and why those patterns no longer serve them.
But knowing all of that doesn't necessarily mean they feel differently.
This is where approaches like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Brainspotting may be useful.
EMDR Therapy
EMDR is an evidence-based psychotherapy developed to help people process distressing experiences, particularly those associated with trauma.
Rather than focusing exclusively on talking through an experience, EMDR uses a structured approach that includes bilateral stimulation while addressing distressing memories, associated beliefs, emotions, and body sensations.
For example, a woman who feels intense anxiety whenever she makes a mistake might recognize that her perfectionism began in a childhood environment where mistakes were met with criticism.
She knows, logically, that making a mistake at work doesn't mean she's a failure.
But emotionally, her response still feels overwhelming.
EMDR may help her process the experiences contributing to that response so those memories become less distressing and her beliefs about herself can shift.
Brainspotting Therapy
Brainspotting is another therapeutic approach that uses visual attention and focused awareness to explore emotional and physical responses associated with distressing experiences.
Some clients find it helpful when they have difficulty putting their feelings into words or notice that stress shows up strongly in their bodies.
The research supporting Brainspotting is still developing, and it has a smaller evidence base than EMDR. However, it may be an option worth discussing with a therapist trained in the approach.
Neither therapy is a magic switch that turns off anxiety. And neither is necessary for every person who struggles to relax.
But for women whose difficulty slowing down is connected to unresolved distressing experiences, these approaches may be valuable parts of treatment.
What Does Learning to Relax Actually Look Like?
Here's the part that might surprise you: Learning to relax doesn't necessarily mean doing less.
At least, not at first.
Sometimes it means learning to recognize when you're pushing yourself because you genuinely want to accomplish something versus when you're doing it because slowing down makes you anxious.
It might mean noticing the discomfort that comes up when you leave a task unfinished.
It might mean allowing someone else to handle something, even if they don't do it exactly the way you would.
It might mean spending an afternoon reading a book without mentally calculating how you could have used that time more productively.
And sometimes it means exploring the beliefs that have convinced you rest needs to be earned.
I don't believe ambitious women need to become less ambitious to experience better mental health.
I love working with women who have big goals, exciting ideas, and a genuine desire to build meaningful lives.
The goal isn't to make you care less about your work or your success.
The goal is to help you build a life where your ambition is something you enjoy, rather than something you're constantly using to prove your worth.
Because what's the point of creating a life you love if your nervous system never lets you enjoy it?
Therapy for High-Achieving Women in Los Angeles
If you're a high-achieving woman who struggles with anxiety, perfectionism, burnout, or the feeling that you always need to be doing something, therapy can help you explore what's underneath those patterns.
I'm Amber Robinson, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of A Road Through Therapy Group in Sherman Oaks, Los Angeles.
I specialize in working with ambitious women, entrepreneurs, creatives, and professionals who are ready to understand themselves more deeply and make meaningful changes in their lives.
My approach integrates attachment-focused, trauma-informed therapy with EMDR and Brainspotting when clinically appropriate.
We offer ongoing therapy and EMDR or Brainspotting intensives, including focused one-to-three-day programs for clients who may benefit from a more concentrated therapeutic format.
Our practice offers in-person therapy in Sherman Oaks and online therapy throughout California.
You don't have to give up your ambition to feel more at peace. And you don't have to wait until you're completely burned out to ask for support.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why can't I relax even when nothing is wrong?
Difficulty relaxing can be related to chronic stress, anxiety, perfectionism, learned patterns of hypervigilance, or feeling that your worth depends on productivity. For some people, past experiences contribute to these patterns. Therapy can help identify the factors involved and develop a more comfortable relationship with rest.
Is difficulty relaxing a trauma response?
Sometimes, but not always. People who have experienced unpredictable, critical, or threatening environments may develop patterns of staying alert even when they are no longer in those circumstances. However, difficulty relaxing can also result from current stress, anxiety disorders, sleep problems, or other causes.
What is high-functioning anxiety?
High-functioning anxiety is an informal term describing people who experience significant anxiety while continuing to perform well at work, school, or in their daily responsibilities. It is not a formal mental health diagnosis. Someone can appear highly capable while privately experiencing persistent worry, tension, or exhaustion.
Can EMDR help with perfectionism and anxiety?
EMDR may be helpful when perfectionism or anxiety is connected to distressing memories and negative beliefs about oneself. Its strongest research support is for PTSD, and its effectiveness for other concerns varies. A trained EMDR therapist can assess whether it is an appropriate treatment for your specific needs.
Where can I find therapy for high-achieving women in Los Angeles?
A Road Through Therapy Group offers trauma-informed therapy for high-achieving women, entrepreneurs, and creatives at its Sherman Oaks office, as well as online therapy throughout California. Services include individual therapy, EMDR, Brainspotting, and intensive therapy programs.
